I am new to this forum but hope that someone out there has been through what we have.  What does a parent do when your child has a teacher who actually refused to let him go to the washroom because he hadn't "done enough work".  And yet, a few minutes later, another child asks to go to the washroom and is allowed to with no questions asked!  In my opinion, the right to go to the bathroom should never be used by a teacher as a power issue.  Was he just trying to get my child to work harder?  Perhaps, but it showed poor judgement on the teacher's part.  What do you think I should do?  I have already contacted the teacher in question and discussed the issues that will hopefully be resolved to everybody's satisfaction.  Thanks.  Any comments?

As a parent advocate who deals with parents each day with stories like yours (and far worse) I can tell you that nothing surprises me anymore.

That being said, it is important to look at the underlying issues here. One, why is your son not completing the work at the appropriate rate in school? Yes, you are correct in your thinking that a teacher should never be encouraging bladder/bowel problems in our children, however, we know as parents that many children in the classroom who find the work uninteresting and often difficult will look for outs that are more comfortable. Can I can a drink? Can I go to the bathroom? Can I poke my neighbour in the ear? Should I start talking to my classmates now? When a teacher starts to recongize these patterns in their students they can sometimes cross that "dignity" line in order to direct the child back to the task at hand.

I would recommend, if you haven't already, have a real heart to heart with your son's teacher and ask, "Is my son having issues in the classroom and what are they?" How can we partner together between home and school to make sure we both understand the issues at hand and how to resolve them in a respectful, dignified manner.

One thing I can guarantee, if your conversation revolves around a confrontational approach you will close the door to any future relationship you need with your son's teacher. We all need to remember that teachers are human and kids can get under their skin just like our own children get under our skin at times. good luck

I think there are so many teachers who are bullies.....really. When a teacher takes a dislike to a child, that child becomes an easy target for other kids because he becomes unprotected. 

Having said that, you need to play the game. Make the teacher a hero so he quits targetting your kid.  Lie to the teacher about how you like them so much and have s seen so many positive things for your child since they have been in their classroom, and bring up so many positive things about the teacher.  Also, make yourself visible...buddy up with the principal....yep it is all a game.  You need to side with your child at home and tell him the game plan so he doesnt feel you dont believe him either. It is a good life lesson. Good news, University professors are far more professional and nothing is personal there.

 I think you need to read the reply from

bjorritsma

many. many times. She knows what she is talking about. It is easy to blame the teacher. It is a lot harder to raise your kid responsibly. So do your job, and let the teacher do his/hers. Frequent bathrrom visits is not a teacher bullying problem, it is a "parent letting the kid off the hook every time he meets a teacher who refuses to let him be irresponsible about his work avoidance" kind of problem. the kid was like that long before the teacher ever laid eyes on him, so blame the teacher if it makes you feel better, but the solution to the problem is in your bathroom mirror. His teachers will only be responsible for him for a year, you get him for a lifetime. When you run out of people to blame for his behaviour, you can go back to the mirror and tell yourself how much easier it would have been to say no to him when he was 5.

Good luck ,,,, you're gonna need it.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!That's harsh.

Your comments also are looking for someone to blame....now its the parent???? I wish your comments had been more constructive and offered something other than more blame.

I go back to the helplessness and guilt that many parents I see, feel about not knowing what or how to get to the bottom of what's going on with their kids. This isn't about saying No to a kid! This certainly is not about irresponsible parenting. That would be too easy wouldn't it! There are only three places to put the blame in our school system and it is usually falls to the parents or the kids and it gets really old really fast!

Parents don't necessarily know that their kids might be struggling in school because the system allows both ourselves and our children to firmly believe that they are doing ok.  I think you simplify the "learned helplessness" issue. My post directs the parent back to the issues of the child and that, and ONLY THAT needs to be the focus in our discussions. I implore you to be careful about simplifying what could be a legitimate learning issue for this child and that he/she may only be seeking refuge from the storm of not being able to learn effectively in the classroom. "Irresponsible avoidance" , "lazy", "immature", "stupid" are just a few of the labels that have stuck to my child and I consider myself to be an exceptional parent who just happens to have a kid who learns differently!

Thanks to all who replied with their differing opinions.  I'd just like to say that since I intervened on my son's behalf, he is no longer nervous and worried about going to this teacher's classroom.  In fact, the teacher/child relationship has improved so much, that on my son's last classroom assignment (on which he worked fervently!), the teacher actually wrote a very nice comment on his assignment, and on which he gave my son a 96% !.  My son was absolutely thrilled with this mark!

I believe that today's teacher's do have alot of pressure on them, not only from the parents, but the actual physical number of students they have to deal with day in and day out is staggering (an average of 35 children per class in my son's school).  Having said that, while I can certainly sympathize with this, any situation in which your child feels threatened, or put upon, needs to be addressed swiftly but also carefully by the parents themselves.  Parents need to become strong advocates for their children.

In the end, we are all just human after all, and everyone makes mistakes now and then, hopefully learning something valuable from them.  If children could solve these problems for themselves, we wouldn't need parents to guide and protect them when necessary.  Hopefully, by becoming more involved in your child's class, whether through volunteering on school trips, etc., a better bond can be established early in the school year, so that if the teacher does find a learning problem with your child, they will feel more at ease about approaching the parent to try and correct it.

I have learned enormously from this experience and will be better prepared for the next school year.  Again, thanks to all who replied.

Sorry if I offended you . really I am, but you need to be really clear about how the profession looks at this situation. However you gave up this without me ever having set eyes on you or your kid. "Irresponsible avoidance" , "lazy", "immature", "stupid" are just a few of the labels that have stuck to my child and I consider myself to be an exceptional parent who just happens to have a kid who learns differently!

First off, I would not tolerate "stupid" (was it your kid that told you that or did the teacher say it to your face??) . That is really low. but the others are exactly what I surmised from your original post. My point is, again, the SCHOOL did not make him like that. (My take is that you are still blaming them - not sure if that is what you mean, though) We all have challenges in life, and some of us have to work harder than others to overcome them. What is really important is that the kid is doing his best. That may only be a "C". Is that OK with you?? (rhetorical question)

If so, then concentrate on work habits because they are the difference between success and failure in life. Also be aware that the "learns differently" label means that he "cannot cut it in a regular classroom" to the teacher. They worry about that because they know that the world of work will likely not care how he learns. They will be more interested in how hard he works on the job and how he relates to his peers. Hence the need to develop work and social skills where everyone can succeed because they are totally independent of academic success. School work is a great training ground for this regardless of the academic level he achieves.

And finally - one more thing. Be especially conscious of "sudden success" in a given grade. I am aware of a school in Ontario where they employed the "B+" solution when a parent kept insisting that the kid should be getting higher marks. One such kid was given the "B+" solution for what was well known to be C- work. Hence, the parent (now a school administrator) was happy that she had "intervened" and that the school finally "got it right". Unfortunately, the high school did not see it that way, and he failed every subject in Grade 12.

Mom's intervention cost the kid his education. He entered the working world sick of school, with no high school grad credits, and could not figure out why things were suddenly so difficult since it had (seemingly) been so easy for so long. When the going got tough, all he had to do was tell mom to get it fixed. Now, it didn't work any more. By the time he figured it all out, it was too late.

I am sure that you do your best as a parent - we all do. But I implore YOU, not to off handedly dismiss comments about work habits and attitude from his teachers as "picking on your kid" or "not understanding your kid". They compare his progress to hundreds of other kids they see every year. They want him to be successful and they worry, that, based on what they see, his success is in doubt.

They want to see a difference. You ---- are that difference.

My sincerely benevolent hope is that you will find something here that is useful to you. I truly wish you and your kid the best of success.